Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
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Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
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I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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