if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
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chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
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I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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