Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
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Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
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she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
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