When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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