4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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