he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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