Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
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Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This is classic penis vs brain.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
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