Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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