I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
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Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
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I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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