is your mom at the bar?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
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she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
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I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize