My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
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I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
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Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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