I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
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It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
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He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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