the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
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Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
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Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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