just survived the first fart of the relationship.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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