i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
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My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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