a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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