Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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