1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
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He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
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Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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