I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
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All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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