3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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