turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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