Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
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you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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