I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
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And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
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I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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