I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
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I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
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I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think my moral compass just broke
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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