your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
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And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize