i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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