The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
porn star boner night. come get it.
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I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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