dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
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