peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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