there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
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