I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
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Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
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Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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