I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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