You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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