OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
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This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
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You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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