i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
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I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
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Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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