I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
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i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
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I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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