Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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