you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
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The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
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I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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