I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
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All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
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Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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