12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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