i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I booty called her while she was in labor.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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