i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
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My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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