my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize