This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
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I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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