Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
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I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
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I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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