do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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