i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
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repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
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The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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