That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
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He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
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I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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