oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
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He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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