I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
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I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
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Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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